Tuesday 22 January 2013

Poetry Corner.

I know what you're thinking - what's *really* been missing from the whole Lance circus is a piece in antidactylus trimeter...


I've been trying to think of a way
To express how I'm feeling today,
And I've had to conclude
That without being rude,
There just isn't a lot I can say.

So I'm giving up being polite
What I saw on the telly that night;
A controlled demonstration
To our consternation,
And to put it quite bluntly, 'twas shite.

This could have redeemed you, Armstrong,
I'm afraid that you played it all wrong.
To commute your 'life sentence'
You must show some repentance,
"They were telling the truth all along".

You tried to play 'poor little Lance',
But in lies you seem somewhat advanced.
Are we s'posed to forget
All those lives you have wrecked?
Do you really expect one more chance?

He admitted the dope, but just that;
And we couldn't escape from the fact
That try as he might
He could not seem contrite,
But he never said Betsy was fat! (so that's alright then)

Lance, it's going to take more than just shrugs
To repent a career based on drugs.
And I know you're perplexed
That we're all still so vexed
But too long you have played us for mugs.

For up 'til now, all of the while,
You were issuing quite a denial,
As stony of face
You would swear that the race
Was not won on the strength of a phial.

Just 'One big lie' that you repeated?
Can you not understand, we feel cheated?
You abridged your admission,
No display of contrition
To those clean cyclists that you defeated (and bullied, and ruined etc etc etc)

So, to the performance of Oprah,
Well, we wondered how well she might cope-rah
In the face of a snake,
But she made no mistake,
And it seemed she just gave him the rope-rah.

So what's next in line for our friend?
Books, movies and shows without end.
An E! Channel biopic
(The actor myopic)
And a musical on the West End?

Pardon me, but I think that it's funny
That what's important to him now ain't the money,
But the chance to don trunks
And line up with the hunks,
And get ready to bike, swim and run-ny.

Now what is the moral of this tale?
That in time every cheater will fail
Efforts not to get caught
In the end come to naught
Hell, you might even end up in jail!

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With sincere apologies to Dr Alice Miller, who probably will never see this, but wrote the entire first verse and half of the second in the mid 1990's at Maynard School.  It's been trapped in my subconscious ever since.

Thursday 10 January 2013

Logistics

Shove over girls, room for a small one...




There's been a bit of to-ing and fro-ing; some ups and downs; a little disappointment, a lot of  excitement.  Finally she's coming.  The new bike, Suzy, is on her way.  T-2 days.

In anticipation of this joyous event, the cyclist has booked himself a little paternity leave from work, and organised a first ride 'play-date' to a Mountain Bike Trail in North Wales.  He's about as giddy as our 7-year old son was 2 days before Christmas.  Suzy's imminent arrival is pretty much all he can talk about.  Previously a committed Roadie, he genuinely cannot wait to get off-road and dirty; at the moment probably his most used word is 'Enduro' - he's even joined a Facebook group of like minded individuals, and trust me when I say this, this sort of behaviour is highly irregular.  This is not generally speaking a boy who plays well with others.

But the arrival of a new bike begs an awkward conversation and a difficult question; where the hell are we going to put the sodding thing?

Famously, visitors to Redlands in the late 1960's had to sit on the floor as all the chairs were taken up by Keith Richards' guitars; a model the cyclist would cheerfully emulate substituting, of course, the guitars for bikes.  And perhaps getting some bigger chairs.  Possibly even a chaise lounge or two.

There is actually a very real possibility we might have to stick Suzy on the sofa; there is no space.  Our very small house is already straining at the seams.  The bikes have to be inside the house for security purposes, and our front room already has 2 in it, tessellated Escher-style in front of the fireplace, occasionally press-ganged into laundry drying service or forming the basis of a handy battleground for whatever game it is the kids are thumping each other over at that precise moment.  The ceiling in our bedroom is positively bowing under the stored weight of the cyclist's bikes from his former life lurking in the loft, including an extremely elderly time-trial frame (vintage? Antique?), possibly actually hewn from rock at the dawn of civilisation.  We might have been able to squeeze Suzy in to the bathroom, next to the shower, but the cyclist kiboshed this on the grounds of 'splashback'.  There's nowhere to turn in the kitchen.  The dining area is already home to 3 wheels and a winter frame.  The bedroom is out of bounds - hell, I have to draw a line somewhere.  She's going to have to live in the front room.

But oh! the front room.  There is so much (and here I use the technical term) CRAP in our front room, accessing almost anything is like taking on a particularly tricky Crystal Maze puzzle, perhaps from the Industrial Zone.  It's entirely possible that when we move out we'll find the dry bones of an accountant called Dave from Slough who got locked in somewhere between the telly and the gaudy pink play kitchen in 1993.  Currently added to our already critically high levels of standard everyday flotsam and jetsam is the remains of the Christmas detritus (and yes, I am well aware it's mid-January now), including several metric tonnes of brand new Barbies dressed like pole-dancers and Moshi Monsters which will cripple you even worse than a Lego should you have the misfortune to stand on one, which I've been avoiding sorting in to the correct Ikea plastic storage boxes.  For that extra frisson of excitement, once they've run the gauntlet of the Krypton Factor style assault course to enter the inner sanctum, guests to our humble abode can also look forward to debilitating mauling from a small, unpredictable cat with a predilection for GBH and the IQ of a banana - who will, when you least expect it, position himself under where you're about to put your foot and attempt to remove it at the ankle, before dashing wild eyed and flat-eared up the christmas tree (still in the front room, de-baubled and awaiting relegation to the loft), and trying to shag it.  The whole place is very much, in fact, like a ruined and booby-trapped temple from off of an Indiana Jones movie, except Indy did what he did for the Fortune and Glory, kid, and not merely to get to the hairspray in the cupboard next to the fireplace.

As an exercise in 'blue-sky' thinking, I made the following suggestion regarding Carly, the 'best' bike;
'In order to free up a bit of space, and as you probably won't ride her again now 'til the race season starts, how's about we leave her at the office?' (Please note, the office is safe, secure, and has tonnes of space).
He looks at me like I just suggested we break his mother down and sell her off organ by organ on a black market internet auction site.
'Or not, just a silly idea really' I hastily add, backpedalling furiously.

The look on his face is telling me that if anyone's going to be sleeping at the office in order to 'free up space', it'll be me.




Thursday 3 January 2013

Why do they all wear blue (2013).

Never judge a pro team jersey until you've seen a fat man at a sportive have a heart attack in it. - Simon Lamb,  (@simon_lamb)

In a (very) early blog post, I made the shocking confession that I frequently struggle when watching pro cycling to tell the teams apart based solely on the PE Kits of the riders alone (feel free to immerse yourself in my stupidity here).  And as it's finally January, it's officially time for the new kit reveal!  Read on, to discover who I'll be confusing for who in 2013.


What follows is completely devoid of fact, structured argument, or indeed any sensible statement whatsoever.






Ah Jay Duhs Air
No change from last year's kit (that I can see, anyway). I've actually never had a problem with this one. I'll accept that poo-brown shorts aren't everyone's cup of tea, but I don't actually think they look that bad on pro bottoms.  How the hell they'd look on an amateur bottom is however another story.  Luckily, we'll probably never know.
Most likely to be accessorised with kinesio tape in accent blue.




Argos Shimano
Thank god they're no longer team ITV4.  The jersey, hopefully unlike the team, is utterly mired in mediocrity. I've forgotten what it looks like already.  Oh, there it is.  No, it's gone again.  2013 update is due mid-jan, expect it'll be blooming identical as it was subject to a mid-season sponsor-related update in 2012.
Most likely to upset the sprints competition and be worn with rakish facial hair.




Astana
What can you say about grown men in head-to-toe turquoise with lemon accents?  I have once, with my actual EYES, seen a fella in full replica Astana get-up (including the legwarmers ffs) inhaling a caramel slice at a cafe stop on a grim Sunday near Stockport.  I swear on my mother I am not shitting you.  Frankly, I was shocked that this sort of thing is even allowed.  But, with suitably grim fascination, I'm looking forward to seeing if the pearlised Time-Trial skinsuits survived to 2013.
Most likely to be seen with a musette full of ten-euro notes with non-sequential serial numbers.




Blanco
Utterly fabulous from the back - love the colour-blocking dahlings.  Loses points for the blue and black and white - quelle surprise.  But the front!  Plunged down in my estimation by the addition of the team name in an astonishingly shit typeface.  Seriously, only a slightly peeling iron-on transfer in Comic Sans could have looked less pro.
Most likely to be seen crossing the line in fifth.




BMC
Winner winner chicken dinner.  Don't change a fit team kit, and they haven't.  I've always liked this, I can actually tell them apart from the other boys, and I particularly like the time trial get-up, cos the helmets make them look like Spaceballs.
Most likely to be a loss leader.


Cannondale
Official release is mid-Jan (what is it with these mid-Jan jerseys?  We demand answers, goddam it!) Lime expected to feature heavily.  There is talk of stripes.
Most likely to be the one you forget. As in 10 minutes racking your brain cos you've only got 17 out of the 18 teams and are trying not to write about the Katusha jersey.




Euskaltel
CARROTS!  In nature, animals signify they are highly dangerous with displays of bright colours.  These dudes are Orange for a reason. Get down!  If you look carefully, the 2013 kit actually comes pre-bloodied on the left arm and buttock, presumably to save time.
Most likely to clash with the bloodstains.




FDJ- Bigmat
White, eh?  Tbh if you're going to wear head-to-toe white lycra for a living, you could do a lot worse.  
Most likely to cop a proper eyeful on a wet stage.




Garmin
Gar-meh.  No changes, which means I will still think they're Quicksteppers or last years Sky.
Most likely to be seen in fourth.




Lampre
'Oh my God, have you seen the bikes!?  It's a girls bike!' - The cyclist.
Still predominantly pink (hot).  The addition of the flashes of green for 2013 has done no-one any favours, except presumably Pettachi, who one can only assume insisted on it to bring out his eyes.
Most likely to make you adjust your telly settings.




Lotto Belisol
New yellow sleeve.  I think it's alright - a far better display of some additional yellow than the god-awful Saxo offering.  The cyclist took one look and exclaimed 'Pah! It's got a Cyclocross shoulder!', which I don't think was meant to be flattering.
Most likely to win.... shit small races.




Movistar
Pretty suave, as it goes.  No discernible change from last year's look.  With the addition of Essex's finest, now officially the 'Reemest' strip in the peloton.  Tan-tastic!
Most likely to be seen at 'random' post race control.




Omega-Pharma Quickstep
Better from the back than the front, which was probably deliberate, as that's how it's most likely to be seen by everyone else - eating their dirt.  Last year's was a nicer jersey, but this year's look less like a Garmin.
Most likely to be seen winning the shit out of everything. Everything.




Orica Greenedge
Favourite jersey of 2012.  Green n' blue n' sexy fades.  Loves it. Also, I have endless goodwill extended to these boys for a) being predominantly Aussie and b) 3 YouTube minutes of glory and wonder. Call me, baby!
Most likely to be seen upsetting in the Classics.

Radioshack
Due for release mid-Jan.  Yeah, whevs, it's totally going to be the least car-crash aspect of 2013 for this lot.
Most likely to be under a cloud and in the headlines for all the wrong reasons.




Saxo-Tinkoff
It really is just a bit of a mess, isn't it?  Blue and yellow could look really good, it just doesn't here.  Or on the Vaconsoleil kit either.  And what's with the half arsed lightening strike on the reverse?
Most likely to be off the red meat.




Sky
Baddest, most winningest team (biased) + designer clothing brand hook up = most eagerly anticipated 2013 strip in the peloton.  Hell, there were even internetz rumours Sir Paul Smith was in on the design, and we Could. Not. Wait.  And here it is.  Phone it in, did we Rapha? "... yeah, yeah, black ..... yeah, stick a stripe on the arm .....".  Except it's probably not black, it's 'Moonless Tuesday in Wyoming', or 'Squid Ink Risotto' or some such (plus I expect it's massively 'technical').  Bang 'em out, £200 a pop, sell 'em til the cows come home.  So utterly devastatingly disappointing I bit the inside of my own cheek when I saw it.  Still my boys though.  Still my boys.
Most likely to be seen everywhere, on everyone.




Vaconsoleil
Actually manages to make the shorts and jersey look like they're from completely separate kits, despite them being in the same colours and livery.  Bloody awful.  And is that a stylised pineapple ring?
Most likely to be seen in the breakaway or attacking in the feed zone.

In a cruel twist of fate, somehow when putting this blog post together I managed to install the picture of the 2012 Argos-Shimano jersey as my desktop background image.  Still can't remember what it looks like, mind.

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UPDATE 4/1/13

Bloody Rapha.  Took me ages coming up with that bit, and then the very next day they go and release this http://teamsky-2013-mallorca.rapha.cc/ basically just to make me look a fool.  I've got to be honest, the full team kit looks pretty darn special.  Fact that it's on Bernie and Peter isn't exactly hurting, either.  From what I can gather the price points are extremely reasonable, and the detailing is lush.  Well played, Rapha.  Well played.



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Sources - these sites did the hard work, I just brought the sarcasm.
http://tourdejose.com/team-kits-2013/
http://sicycle.wordpress.com/2012/12/13/2013-cycling-jerseys/

Picture Credits:
AG2R - Tour de José via Biciclismo
Argos -Shimano - Tour de José 
Astana  - Tour de José 
Blanco - Tour de José viErik Dekker, Ad Pertijs and Mathieu Heiboer
BMC - Tour de José via BMC Pro Team
Euskaltel - Tour de José via Biciclismo (@biciciclismoweb)
FDJ-Bigmat - Tour de José 
Garmin-Sharp - Tour de José via @spaziociclismo
Lampre - Tour de José via @cobblesandhills
Lotto-Belisol - Tour de José 
Movistar - Tour de José  
Omega-Pharma Quickstep - Tour de José 
Orica-Greenedge - Tour de José 
Saxobank-Tinkoff - Tour de José via Sportful
Sky - Tour de José via Facebook
Vaconsoleil - Tour de José via CyclingNews