Sunday, 2 September 2012

N + 1

Here we go again...

The formula above, N+1, of course indicates the correct number of bikes one should own.  A more complex equation makes the addition (N+1) = (D-1), where the correct number of bikes one should own is N+1 but crucially 1 less than the total number triggering automatic divorce.  You will know them already, but you can find The Rules here; Rule 12 being pertinent to this post.

I mention this because a chain reaction has been set in motion.  I have caught a glimpse of the future.  A series of events is about to transpire, the upshot of which will be:
Me, stumbling downstairs at 3 am for a glass of water.  Much like a big-haired, bleary-eyed Indiana Jones, I will dodge the small cat on the stairs ferociously trying to remove my foot at the ankle.  I will not do a little yelp at the sight of the enormous spider that lives in the hall and comes out when we've all gone to bed.  I will skip nimbly across the lego booby-trap, scattered liberally across the living room floor.  As I near my thirst-quenching destination, smugly congratulating myself for so smartly running the assault course of my house - I will stub my motherfucking toe on a Yeti Mountain Bike propped up against the sofa.  Clutching the damaged toe and swearing like a navvy, there is a grim inevitability about what will happen next.  I hop backwards straight into the lego.  With both feet now completely ruined, I stumble blindly right into the path of the monster spider.  Screaming like a girl, waking cyclist, kids and several neighbours, the small murderous cat chooses this moment to leap out from his stair (where he has been waiting, biding his vicious fluffy time) like a genetic splicing of Cato Fong from the Pink Panther movies and the Facehugger from Alien.  I never get my drink of water.

How can I have seen the future like this?  A Yeti?  What's going on?  Let me explain - the cyclist bought a Mountain Bike Magazine this morning.  And we all know what that means.

And so we enter the research phase of the next two-wheeled acquisition.  He has spent quite a lot of this afternoon on my laptop (his is at the office).  The internet browsing tabs he has left open are 1) Google search Where to buy Yeti SB66 - Aluminium Pro XTR 2) Megavalanche Week - Everything You Need To Know To Do The Megavalanche 3) Wheelbase Cycles 4) Google search Does Blake Lively dig Mountain Bikers?

Stubbing my toe on a Yeti in the front room is only a matter of time.