Thursday, 3 January 2013

Why do they all wear blue (2013).

Never judge a pro team jersey until you've seen a fat man at a sportive have a heart attack in it. - Simon Lamb,  (@simon_lamb)

In a (very) early blog post, I made the shocking confession that I frequently struggle when watching pro cycling to tell the teams apart based solely on the PE Kits of the riders alone (feel free to immerse yourself in my stupidity here).  And as it's finally January, it's officially time for the new kit reveal!  Read on, to discover who I'll be confusing for who in 2013.

What follows is completely devoid of fact, structured argument, or indeed any sensible statement whatsoever.

Ah Jay Duhs Air
No change from last year's kit (that I can see, anyway). I've actually never had a problem with this one. I'll accept that poo-brown shorts aren't everyone's cup of tea, but I don't actually think they look that bad on pro bottoms.  How the hell they'd look on an amateur bottom is however another story.  Luckily, we'll probably never know.
Most likely to be accessorised with kinesio tape in accent blue.

Argos Shimano
Thank god they're no longer team ITV4.  The jersey, hopefully unlike the team, is utterly mired in mediocrity. I've forgotten what it looks like already.  Oh, there it is.  No, it's gone again.  2013 update is due mid-jan, expect it'll be blooming identical as it was subject to a mid-season sponsor-related update in 2012.
Most likely to upset the sprints competition and be worn with rakish facial hair.

What can you say about grown men in head-to-toe turquoise with lemon accents?  I have once, with my actual EYES, seen a fella in full replica Astana get-up (including the legwarmers ffs) inhaling a caramel slice at a cafe stop on a grim Sunday near Stockport.  I swear on my mother I am not shitting you.  Frankly, I was shocked that this sort of thing is even allowed.  But, with suitably grim fascination, I'm looking forward to seeing if the pearlised Time-Trial skinsuits survived to 2013.
Most likely to be seen with a musette full of ten-euro notes with non-sequential serial numbers.

Utterly fabulous from the back - love the colour-blocking dahlings.  Loses points for the blue and black and white - quelle surprise.  But the front!  Plunged down in my estimation by the addition of the team name in an astonishingly shit typeface.  Seriously, only a slightly peeling iron-on transfer in Comic Sans could have looked less pro.
Most likely to be seen crossing the line in fifth.

Winner winner chicken dinner.  Don't change a fit team kit, and they haven't.  I've always liked this, I can actually tell them apart from the other boys, and I particularly like the time trial get-up, cos the helmets make them look like Spaceballs.
Most likely to be a loss leader.

Official release is mid-Jan (what is it with these mid-Jan jerseys?  We demand answers, goddam it!) Lime expected to feature heavily.  There is talk of stripes.
Most likely to be the one you forget. As in 10 minutes racking your brain cos you've only got 17 out of the 18 teams and are trying not to write about the Katusha jersey.

CARROTS!  In nature, animals signify they are highly dangerous with displays of bright colours.  These dudes are Orange for a reason. Get down!  If you look carefully, the 2013 kit actually comes pre-bloodied on the left arm and buttock, presumably to save time.
Most likely to clash with the bloodstains.

FDJ- Bigmat
White, eh?  Tbh if you're going to wear head-to-toe white lycra for a living, you could do a lot worse.  
Most likely to cop a proper eyeful on a wet stage.

Gar-meh.  No changes, which means I will still think they're Quicksteppers or last years Sky.
Most likely to be seen in fourth.

'Oh my God, have you seen the bikes!?  It's a girls bike!' - The cyclist.
Still predominantly pink (hot).  The addition of the flashes of green for 2013 has done no-one any favours, except presumably Pettachi, who one can only assume insisted on it to bring out his eyes.
Most likely to make you adjust your telly settings.

Lotto Belisol
New yellow sleeve.  I think it's alright - a far better display of some additional yellow than the god-awful Saxo offering.  The cyclist took one look and exclaimed 'Pah! It's got a Cyclocross shoulder!', which I don't think was meant to be flattering.
Most likely to win.... shit small races.

Pretty suave, as it goes.  No discernible change from last year's look.  With the addition of Essex's finest, now officially the 'Reemest' strip in the peloton.  Tan-tastic!
Most likely to be seen at 'random' post race control.

Omega-Pharma Quickstep
Better from the back than the front, which was probably deliberate, as that's how it's most likely to be seen by everyone else - eating their dirt.  Last year's was a nicer jersey, but this year's look less like a Garmin.
Most likely to be seen winning the shit out of everything. Everything.

Orica Greenedge
Favourite jersey of 2012.  Green n' blue n' sexy fades.  Loves it. Also, I have endless goodwill extended to these boys for a) being predominantly Aussie and b) 3 YouTube minutes of glory and wonder. Call me, baby!
Most likely to be seen upsetting in the Classics.

Due for release mid-Jan.  Yeah, whevs, it's totally going to be the least car-crash aspect of 2013 for this lot.
Most likely to be under a cloud and in the headlines for all the wrong reasons.

It really is just a bit of a mess, isn't it?  Blue and yellow could look really good, it just doesn't here.  Or on the Vaconsoleil kit either.  And what's with the half arsed lightening strike on the reverse?
Most likely to be off the red meat.

Baddest, most winningest team (biased) + designer clothing brand hook up = most eagerly anticipated 2013 strip in the peloton.  Hell, there were even internetz rumours Sir Paul Smith was in on the design, and we Could. Not. Wait.  And here it is.  Phone it in, did we Rapha? "... yeah, yeah, black ..... yeah, stick a stripe on the arm .....".  Except it's probably not black, it's 'Moonless Tuesday in Wyoming', or 'Squid Ink Risotto' or some such (plus I expect it's massively 'technical').  Bang 'em out, £200 a pop, sell 'em til the cows come home.  So utterly devastatingly disappointing I bit the inside of my own cheek when I saw it.  Still my boys though.  Still my boys.
Most likely to be seen everywhere, on everyone.

Actually manages to make the shorts and jersey look like they're from completely separate kits, despite them being in the same colours and livery.  Bloody awful.  And is that a stylised pineapple ring?
Most likely to be seen in the breakaway or attacking in the feed zone.

In a cruel twist of fate, somehow when putting this blog post together I managed to install the picture of the 2012 Argos-Shimano jersey as my desktop background image.  Still can't remember what it looks like, mind.


UPDATE 4/1/13

Bloody Rapha.  Took me ages coming up with that bit, and then the very next day they go and release this basically just to make me look a fool.  I've got to be honest, the full team kit looks pretty darn special.  Fact that it's on Bernie and Peter isn't exactly hurting, either.  From what I can gather the price points are extremely reasonable, and the detailing is lush.  Well played, Rapha.  Well played.


Sources - these sites did the hard work, I just brought the sarcasm.

Picture Credits:
AG2R - Tour de José via Biciclismo
Argos -Shimano - Tour de José 
Astana  - Tour de José 
Blanco - Tour de José viErik Dekker, Ad Pertijs and Mathieu Heiboer
BMC - Tour de José via BMC Pro Team
Euskaltel - Tour de José via Biciclismo (@biciciclismoweb)
FDJ-Bigmat - Tour de José 
Garmin-Sharp - Tour de José via @spaziociclismo
Lampre - Tour de José via @cobblesandhills
Lotto-Belisol - Tour de José 
Movistar - Tour de José  
Omega-Pharma Quickstep - Tour de José 
Orica-Greenedge - Tour de José 
Saxobank-Tinkoff - Tour de José via Sportful
Sky - Tour de José via Facebook
Vaconsoleil - Tour de José via CyclingNews

1 comment:

  1. Bex you might want to get your teeth stuck into the new Adidas/British Cycling kit. If nothing else, the Union flag is upside down #epicfail