Thursday, 26 April 2012
Stubble is for the face, not the legs.
These things I am learning about cycling. Your cyclist will have a very specific grooming regime. Because he is, of course, worth it. Here are some of the things you can expect.
Let's start with the key issue. Your cyclist's legs must be shaved. Don't turn up at a race with hairy legs (unless you are a girl in which case no-one will notice cos they're too busy checking each other out to be arsed about you in the slightest. Seriously. Pre-race, Rihanna could rock up in the car park in her underwear and only a couple of them would even notice).
My cyclist shaves his legs, and let me tell you I do not mind AT ALL. In fact, the sight of an exposed hairy leg on a man makes me feel a bit ill. Cyclists, here let me make a quick recommendation. You're home life will go far more swimmingly if on the inaugral leg-shave of the season, when you strut downstairs in your underpants for the grand reveal, you haven't left the fucking bathroom looking like you just fought a bear in there with clumps of hair everywhere and blood all up the walls. Trust me. And a quick rinse of the bath after your leg shave will go a long way all season.
As the subtitle suggests, my cyclist recently discovered the trick of using hair conditioner as shaving gel. He is most cross that he had to find it out on twitter, and accused me of keeping it from him. Now as women know, all men, cyclists or otherwise, have their own rules when it comes to the utilisation of health and beauty products (particularly ones they are nicking off the wag). There will be no portion control, no '10p sized amount', oh no. There is now no conditioner in the house ever, and I am distictly frizzy. Thank you twitter.
Obviously, your cyclist's face should be tanned. Bonus Pro Points are awarded for distinct helmet strap / Oakley tan lines. Stubble is pretty much a pre-requisite, providing your cyclist can manage a decent covering. Please note, while stubble may be trimmed to the desired length, shaping it is a definite no-no. We are not Craig David.
A good cyclist tan should make the cyclist look like his body and his limbs belong to different people. The sharper the tan lines, the more pro. A good distict leg tan line should be shown off as much as possible pre-race to intimidate the competition, preferably while nonchalantly applying embrocation or suntan lotion (P20 only please) with leg up against car and shorts turned back to show just how damn crisp that line really is while saying things like 'MAJORCA' 'TENERIFE' and 'ALTITUDE TRAINING'. Tans are to be compared subtly - an out and out leg-to-leg comparison is definitely not alpha-male behaviour.
Here the ugly issue of tan doping rears it's head. If you are going to tan-dope cyclist you'd better practise applying it properly, because tell tale streaky knees will see you shunned. If your cyclist does tan dope, you can be sure he will be doping with the good shit, so ladies, if your St Tropez is disappearing it might be time to step in. There are 2 options for a domestique who thinks her cyclist might be tan doping. You can either go down the 'pale is beautiful' road, or you can take him by the special mitt and show him how to do it properly. And let's be utterly clear cyclists, slapping on a handful of the Mrs' Johnsons Holiday Skin 'by accident I didn't even realise' is absolutely tan doping and you know it.
My cyclist does not condone tan doping and is prepared to offer up his biological passport details should tan doping be suspected.
There is one massive positive to the cyclist tan for us lowly domestiques. On your annual holiday you need not worry about your beach body, ladies, because your cyclists tan lines will render him completely ridiculous in his budgie smugglers.
Like his 9-year-old incarnation, your cyclist will regularly have a half-healed scab on his knee or elbow. This in itself is acceptable, and pretty pro. Excessive scabs are not pro, they just mark you out as falling off a lot. The odd scar is a mark of honour too, and it's totally true - chicks dig scars. Let me tell you what chicks do not dig however, Hincapie-style poppy leg veins. Ew.
Your cyclist will apply chamois cream to his undercarriage or chamois. According to my cyclist this prevents his bits ending up in a 'torrid' state. I have no idea what that means and absolutely no desire to find out. My cyclist applys direct to his 'area', and there is a special face he makes while undergoing the process. It's something I'm trying to learn to live with.