Monday, 19 January 2015

Paint it Black. Or Dark Blue.

We're back!  Welcome to the third annual Domestique Bliss review of the pro peloton.  Last year's was hosted by the lovely folks over at Cyclismas (check it here if you're interested), and 2013's was the blog post that started it all (here, if the mood takes you).

Ag2r - La Mondiale

I can confirm that there is not a gun in my pocket.
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Brown shorts.  I've said it before and I'll say it again (and own it goddamn it), I really don't hate this.  Yes, I know everyone else does, but I'm genuinely not sure why, especially given some of the sartorial abominations present and correct in this year's offerings.  Katusha have been training in red tights for fucks sake.  Plus, brown shorts make a lot of sense given we all know the pitfalls of a bad gel.

Most likely to be seen: Unexpectedly winning things.


I would totally buy a used car from this man.
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Turquoise, back by dope demand.  Such a trustworthy colour.

Most likely to be seen: Hanging around looking nonchalant outside CAS.


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BMC, your kit needed a facelift last year.  Nothing too drastic, maybe just a little nip and tuck, perhaps a fresher detail or two, maybe a subtle accessory here and there.  But, alas, you left well alone, and you're starting to look a bit…. drab to be honest.  

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Hey, wanna know what BMC do do well?  National Champs kits.  Taylor Phinney looks freaking awesome in the Captain America skinsuit.  And as we all know, looking freaking awesome is worth 15 seconds in a 10km tt.

Most likely to be seen: telling pretty girls they got their badass scars in knife fights with pirates.

Cannondale - Garmin

My eyes are pies, and yours are lies.
Pic - Cycling Weekly

Will nobody think of the Pandas?

Oh, how sweet this could have been.  Garmin really hit their kit stride in 2014 with a cheeky little blue white and red number that should have looked absolutely awesome merged with the Cannondale lime, giving the 2015 peloton the technicolour pro jersey it so deserved.  Sadly, somewhere during the design process someone went a shade too dark, setting off a Johnny Nice Painter* Episode that left the kit as black as the endless black of space that leads to the chasm of clams.  A bit of detailing with a green highlighter is all that is left of what could have been a masterpiece.

*Never heard of Johnny Nice Painter?  Get thee to Youtube and binge-watch Fast Show sketches immediately, you philistine.

Most likely to be seen: With daft helmets and glasses.

Etixx - Quickstep

Porn star or oil spill?  You decide.
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It's a reassuring constant in a complex and uncertain world that the Whatever - Quickstep kit will be fucking awful.  The latest to put their name on the front are Etixx - a sports nutrition company trying to buck the association of the double x with porn stars and oil spills.  Good luck with that.

Most likely to be seen: Just behind Kittel, thumping their handlebars.


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The wet weather danger kit resurfaces to fight another day, and throws a couple of trompe l'oeil triangles in for good measure.  Am I swerving left?  Am I swerving right?  Psyche!

Most likely to be seen: Pixellated during a rainy TTT.  Ahoy!


Race you to the showers!
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Top German makers of shampoo sponsor team including top German winner of races and haver of hair.  Not since CVNDSH for HD & SHLDRS has a hair and cycling cross-marketing mash-up been so lip-smacking.

Are you flake free Marcel? Are you?
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So it's a bit of a shame the kit is so dull.  Black.  Blue bits.  Red bits.  White writing.  It's only during the post race slo-mo when they take off their helmets, shake out their fabulous hair and turn to camera and wink that we'll be able to tell them apart from the Skys, IAMs and Treks.  Because they're bloody well worth it.

Most likely to be worn with: - Dude, is that lipgloss?

Haircare sponsor dudes clearly missed a trick. Just saying.
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IAM Cycling

Um, this is actually really nice.
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Welcome to the WorldTour; I think you missed a memo.  I mean, full marks for the dark 'n red, so far so identical to everyone else, but as for the finished article - well we're not really doing tasteful this year.  Sit yourselves in the middle of the bunch and try not to cause any upsets, there's dears.

Most likely to be seen: Sat in the middle of the bunch, not causing any upsets.


L-R Bashful, Sneezy, Grumpy, Happy, Dopey, Sleepy, Doc
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Well, at least we'll see them.  Not to be outdone by Tinkoff Saxo, Katusha have added a splash of fluoro to their standard red and white look.  Top's ok, shorts not so much, team issue red leggings belong on department store Christmas Grotto pixies only.

Most likely to be seen: Having a serious dig in the Grand Tours.


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No change (unconfirmed) from last year's predominantly dark blue effort - which to be fair is probably the best looking Lampre kit on record.  It's a sad day when it makes a refreshing change to see snot green and epiglottis pink accents on a kit instead of red and blue.

Most likely to be seen: as underdogs

Lotto Soudal

Yeah, we look good.
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Lotto Soudal change a sponsor, but retain the honour of having the best kit in the peloton.  The retro styling looks sharp and - Katusha, I am looking at you - teaming the red jersey with black shorts looks great.  They'll win everything between now and March.

Most likely to be seen: Going hard down under.

LottoNL - Jumbo

Does my bum look big in this?
Photo - @LottoJumbo_road

Are you calling me fat though?
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'Dude, we all agreed.  You got the short straw and it's your turn to sponsor them.'  Woeful.  Just…. woeful.  Terrible colour, appalling typefaces, and printing 'Jumbo' on anyone's thighs, even a pro cyclist's, is just mean.

Most likely to be seen: On a valiant but sadly doomed breakaway.


Cheeky little scamps.
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No change for Movistar, but sadly their sophisticated dark blue look has been assimilated into the rest of the peloton so they no longer stand out.  Cue much slapstick hilarity in the feed zones. 

Most likely to be seen: 300 metres up the road. Grinning.

Orica - GreenEDGE

Invert it, damn you.
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Another no change (unconfirmed) on a good looking kit.  Mix it up next year, Orica, Green (EDGE) is the new blue.

Most likely to be seen: In a post-race dance-off with Team Sky.


No change for the team that made all the other teams black with a blue bit and some white writing.  Well, why would you?

I'll just leave this here for a moment.
Photo - Chris Froome via

Skinsuit inspiration.  Perm optional.
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Most likely to be seen: Missing Wiggo.

Tinkoff - Saxo

Tell us, how much of a bell end do you feel?
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I genuinely thought last year's Tinkoff Saxo kit was as bad as it could get, and man was I wrong.  Bucking the peloton trend for dark hues and refined palettes, and lording their oligarch-sponsored print budget over the more monochrome teams, Tinkoff opt for horrific amounts of retina scorching fluorescent yellow teamed with a comedy codpiece crotch in smurfette blue.  The stuff of nightmares.

The only thing worse than the standard race kit is Peter Sagan's Slovakian National Champ kit.

There is nothing else to say on the matter, except if for any reason you are not following @dwuori on twitter you are doing the internet wrong.

Which is strange, as Tinkoff Saxo issued themselves an extra kit for training, and it's…. cool.  Listen, I was a teenager in the 90's and I'll heart camo print til the day I die, but I really think this works.  Different, nice work with the fluoro, even the corporate logos don't look quite so ashamed.  Switch them out Oleg, I implore you.   

Another gem from @dwuori.
"Tinkov warns that continuing sanctions could result in sale of imaginary horse"

Most likely to be seen: Either from a hundred miles away, or not at all til it's too late.

Trek Factory Racing

The most interesting thing Trek have done in about a hundred years is install Elder Statesman Jens Voigt as 'Ambassador of Awesome'.

Get off my lawn.
Photo - wikipedia

Sadly, Awesome must have been working from home the day the new team kit was signed off.  2014's yawn pinstripes are back, the shoulders are a little whiter, and they checked down the back of the sofa and scraped together the money for a couple of splashes of (hey! Guess what!) red and blue per jersey.

Last one back to the team hotel has to listen to his stories about the war.
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Most likely to be seen:  All about Cancellara in the Classics.


  1. Great that you back - missed the posts and kept the shortcut just hoping you'd post again

    1. Thank you so much for your comment, really appreciate the support and it brightened my day! :)