Monday, 25 June 2012

101 uses for an injured cyclist - Part 1

In which our heroine compiles a by no means exhaustative list of all the things that she can think of that can be done with a damaged cyclist... 

Always wishing to remain positive, I have been thinking about ways in which the cyclist can be used, during his hiatus as it were from being a cyclist.  Part one examines the 50 things I thought of to do with the cyclist during the first phase of injury, where he's pretty much incapacitated.
  1. Firstly, and most importantly, INFO.  An incapacitated cyclist is a veritable goldmine of material for an unsympathetic blog written by his sarky wife.
  2. Backseat driver.  The cyclist is not currently able to drive.  Since he had his crash I have learnt that I drive too slowly on motorways and too fast in carparks and round roundabouts.  I am of course, ridiculously grateful for this sage advice.
  3. Being tall.  Even damaged, the cyclist is well over 6 foot and his good arm is still fine for getting things off high shelves.
  4. Human dustbin.  The cyclist will happily eat anything not nailed down.
  5. Test subject for Junior Doctors.  He will selflessly allow himself to be practised on, provided they are pretty.
  6. Great source of prescription medication.  Hopefully he'll get some of the really good stuff after Wednesday, which like any good and caring wife I will swap out for paracetamol and sell outside the Co-Op.  I'd hate for him to develop an addiction.
  7. Source of spare parts if all else fails.  Broken down into individual organs and sold on the black market the cyclist could be a fantastic extra income generator, and I would sell his kidneys to a Chinese businessman soon as look at him.  There's an incentive to heal fast if ever I heard one.
  8. Smuggler.  The sling is pretty roomy, I could definitely get a half bottle of vodka into a wedding reception hidden in that at the very least.
  9. Expert wearer of sweatpants.  He is rocking them like a bad boy.
  10. Sofa warmer, and...
  11. Cat bed. The cyclist is proving an excellent sleeping place for little Miguel...
  12. ...And cat toy.  He can't move quickly, so the cat is able to attempt to remove his toes, when he's not being a...
  13. ...Cat ladder.  Claws out, straight up the leg.  Often accompanied by 'Argh! You little BASTARD!'  Hilarious.
  14. Research assistant.  He is currently occupied with finding me a bike.  After much to-ing and fro-ing he's beginning to grasp just how big an issue colour is.  I want the one with the gold bits.
  15. List maker.  He is busy compiling all the information he is soaking up into various lists - what he wants, what he needs, what he'd get with a lottery win, etc.
  16. TV watcher. We are finally getting to watch some of the stuff we've always meant to and never got around to seeing.  The accident has happened at that quiet time before the Tour de France, when there's great swathes of Nothing On evening after evening (not interested in the footy in the slightest I'm afraid), so all that stuff on the Sky+, our Netflix and latest acquisition, the Apple TV is finally getting an airing.  Sadly though, he is becoming a...
  17. ...TV critic.  Because watching Jersey and/or Geordie Shore with someone saying 'This is shit' every thirty seconds adds infinitely to the viewing experience.
  18. MTV expert.  The MTV music channels (not the crap teen mom documentaries) are the cyclists default background TV channels of choice...
  19. ...And he could probably write a thesis on Katy Perry videos.  Or Shakira ones.
  20. And I bet he'd make a great name for an Indie Band - The Fractured Ribs, Plated Collarbone etc.
  21. Celebrity gossip fount of all knowledge. I have a terrible secret, I am utterly addicted to celebrity gossip magazines, and the lower rent the celebrity the better.  Who cares about Kerry Katona's lipo? Oh god, I DO.  The cyclist has full access to this library of shame and with time on his hands is eating it up.
  22. Bike magazine reader.  When the latest inside scoop of the world of Peter Andre gets too much for him, which is often, the cyclist will slam down the gossip rag with a 'How can you bear this SHIT?!' and soothe his soul with the tech section of Cycling Weekly (or any other of the thousands of bike mags stacked in the corner)...
  23. ...And when he runs out of Tech in the mags, there's the BikeRumor website, of which he becoming a leading authority.
  24. Coffee drinker.  Gallons of the stuff.  Which leads to..
  25. ...Leaver of mugs in interesting places.  Keeps me on my toes.  TBH he does this even when not injured, but now he has a brilliant excuse. 'I have HURT my ARM and I CANNOT be expected to bring that mug back DOWNSTAIRS'
  26. Human shield (1).  Much like the moon, he can be used to mop up meteors, comets and space debris.
  27. Human shield (2).  In the event of an axe-murderer attack or zombie apocalypse it's every man for themselves - well he's already injured and slow isn't he, it would be a kindness.
  28. Supplier of the Switch Card.  I've had possession of the cyclists debit card since his accident and have no intention of giving it back.  I think he's forgotton anyway.
  29. Patsy.  Much like 'blame the dog', 'blame the cyclist' is good for those otherwise inexplicable little odours.  Which is fair and just because he is also...
  30. ...Resident evil.  The other reason we require febreeze. 
  31. Hanger.  With his arm permanently in the 90o position supported by his sling, he is a quick and easy hanging point for your handbag.
  32. Good excuse for not going to work.  Dropping him off and picking him up at appointments etc. has kept me off work for a good few days.
  33. Anatomy instruction for an interested 7-year-old.  Who is fascinated with the X-rays and now knows what a clavicle is.
  34. Other educational practice subject, for example Mummification.  Although informative and instructional for the kids, the cyclist got a bit pissed off when it came down to the brain through the nose with a crochet needle part.
  35. Martial Arts practice dummy.  Especially good for roundhouse kicks.
  36. Daddy Cool.  The kids are loving having daddy about a bit more, daddy is so much cooler and more fun than boring old mummy.
  37. Dance show audience - Bella has put on several 'Ballet Shows' for poor bored daddy, and he is an appreciative and engaged audience who only fell asleep once.
  38. MarioKart VS companion. Plus he gets to win at something, which makes him feel better.
  39. Practice face for makeup.  Experimenting with the current fashion for fake eyelashes?  This seasons hot pink lip?  Need a bit of application practice?  Grab yourself an injured cyclist and it's like having the Girl's World 1989 mannequin head thing all over again.
  40. There are several practical applications for an injured cyclist.  Examples would be: Floatation device, in the event of flash floods etc, like the small red ones they had in Baywatch, except bigger and more likely to be in an arse about the situation...
  41. ...Voodoo doll - I could stick pins in him...
  42. ...Pincushion - I could stick pins in him...
  43. ...Acupuncture practice model - I could stick pins in him...
  44. ...Dressmakers dummy - I could stick pins in him...
  45. ...Draught excluder...
  46. ...Doorstop...
  47. ...Paperweight...
  48. Art installation.  That miserable looking fella in the sweatpants on the sofa with his arm in a sling, a small kid climbing on him and a cat trying to rip his toes off? 'S ART, innit? 
  49. Holder of things.  As long as they are things that only need to be held in one hand.
  50. Keeper of unconsidered trifles.  And profiteroles.  And cheesecakes.
Part 2 will look at things you can do with an injured cyclist once the worst is over...

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